I'm a mess

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 01:11:37 GMT

Sometimes, I wish my cell phone didn’t have AOL Instant Messenger on it. I thought that maybe he would have said things to my face. Not over the internet. I was wrong. He told me that he wasn’t using me and that he wanted to make that clear.

I received the first message while I was sitting by my pool. I can remember being excited that it was him that send me a message. I remember thinking that he was going to ask me to go out with him that nite. I didn’t expect the opposite.

I guess he had to do it, had to save himself. I didn’t know how to feel then and I still don’t know how to feel. That conversation through instant messages gave me room to question everything. It hurt. He had to have known that it was going to hurt. The way he said to me ‘I can’t be in a relationship right now.’ The way he told me he still wanted to flirt. I couldn’t take it, it was just as bad as being broken up with.

I dealt with it through silence. I didn’t know how else to do it. I went out that evening, I was quite silent, I was dealing with being alone again. Being alone has become commonplace for me, at least in recent months. Despite how I said that I was okay, that I was only thinking, I was broken.

I remember seeing him for the first time after all of this. How I wanted to hit him, how I wanted to scream, how I wanted to cry. I felt more than I could explain. I looked at him sadder than ever, I didn’t intend for it to be that way, but it was all I could convey.

I wrote in journals the way he made me feel, but I could never tell him. Something so stupid, so tiny. He made me feel alive, loved, wanted. I had felt so much while I was with him. Sometimes, I think it’s important to feel everything at once. At times it’s just important to be numb. To realize that when you do feel everything all at once, that it’s special. That you’re infinite.

I’m still angry about everything, I think I deserve an explanation, a reason, a why. Maybe he doesn’t have one, but I think it would be important for me to know, for me to find out. I’m still sad about everything, I felt with him. I gave more than I should have, and now to see him hurts. I think he knows it does. He just doesn’t know how to deal with it, the way I don’t know how to deal with everything.
He knows what he did, he knows that it hurt me. He has to. He had figured out that I was lying about not wanting a relationship. And to some extent I’m glad that he did. I think that I would have told him, if it had come to that. It never did, at least not at that point. If he hadn’t figured it out then I don’t know what led to what happened. It is possible that he began to want more than a kissing buddy. Maybe he started to want a relationship, despite his claim that he couldn’t be in one. I don’t know, maybe one day, I will know. And then I might be able to make sense of all of this.

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 16:28:56 GMT

I continued to see him at work and run into him on my coffee runs with Jason. I felt more than he was giving, simply because I wanted more. I was stressed out at the time. My final show until I got things set-up in Vermont was quickly approaching.

With June 2, 2006 came an end to something that I had loved doing. He told me he would be at the show, I told him to call before he came. I was overly stressed due to problems with the venue. Having him there along with my favorite Connecticut band would prove to make things better. Earlier that afternoon he had asked me to hang out with him after the show ended. I couldn’t, I had friends staying over that nite.
We stole kisses throughout the show. We cuddled, we were together all nite. Things looked good.

Things happen. There isn’t always a reason, a why. They just happen. We were pushed together by others, on top of what the two of us felt towards each other. Maybe this was meant to happen like this, I’m not sure, and I’m not sure if he knows either.

Everything I’ve felt this past month or so was hard, heavy, and true. I don’t know what is to come. But the way this ended is just so awkward. I’m still not sure if I ‘totally understand’ the way I’d told him I did.

June 3, 2006 was not the best day. I watched that morning as my friends pulled out of my driveway headed to another show. I spent that day doing nothing. I went out that afternoon. Jason picked me up around four in the afternoon. We, being the little kids we are, went toy shopping. My mom called to yell at me and I yelled back. I proceeded to move farther away from home and she continued to call.

Around seven o’ clock he began to text message me, telling me that he hoped I could still hang out with him that nite. I went home to sit there while my mom yelled at me. The text messages continued to come. Eventually he came up with a plan for us. ‘When you’re done getting yelled at we should rent a movie and cuddle. I have Shawn with me and after the movie he can leave and I can stay.’ I agreed to that.

Maybe, if I hadn’t been so eager, maybe if I said that I was too tired. Too stressed, maybe that would have prolonged what was to come/
He arrived at my house around ten. We all sat around my kitchen table, talking and laughing about the lame movie they had picked out. We sent instant messages through cell phones. Eventually moving upstairs to watch the movie. His ‘plan’ went as he wanted. Shawn left after the movie.

The two of us moved back upstairs, kissing as we went. Eventually making our way into my room, on my bed. We just laid there, motionless. We were speaking words that just didn’t seem to matter. We were just passing time until we kissed again.

I felt infinite. I didn’t know how else to feel. It all felt right, but at the same time I could almost feel that there was something wrong with what we were doing.

We laid in my bed motionless, for what seemed to be forever. He finally reached over, putting his arm around my waist, pulling me in. We kissed like we’d been together forever. Like we did this every nite, every week.
It was one of those cliché moments, one of those moments that I only ever saw in the movies, or television shows. It’s like the way I only ever hear boys refer to girls as hot. What ever happened to words like beautiful or pretty? What happened to ideals and morals? I was lost in all of this…I think it was meant to be that way.

I felt like I was able to confide in him. Like I could tell him my thoughts and he’d just sit there and listen, maybe even understand. I told him how I was afraid that he was just using me. That in the past few months, I had just been used. I didn’t think I could handle if another person used me. It felt like I could have been being used, and I didn’t like the idea at all, but I didn’t want things between me and him to come to an end.

We stayed in my bed for a few hours. We shed clothes, which was normal considering that I tend to hang around in a tank top and my boy shorts. Things were probably happening too fast, but it didn’t seem to matter. I guess I wanted it that way, but I was just too afraid to say. I was afraid that sex was all he wanted. I’m glad that I didn’t give myself up to him and give him what he wanted. I suppose that maybe he realized the same thing. That I couldn’t give it up.

***
I’m told that I’ve got a strength that not many people in my family have. I think that this experience showed me that more than anything. This entire ‘thing’ for however long it lasted, showed me that I can’t always jump the gun. But in someway it just seemed like all of this was adding up to so much more. I guess I shouldn’t always trust my intuition. That maybe how I feel isn’t always right, despite what I think.

He made me see myself differently. He treated me differently. He called me cute, told me that I looked nice. Did all of those things that only happen in the movies. I was finally getting what I’d been told I deserve.

My weeks were seemingly long. I awaited the end of the week following my show. It came slowly and I accepted that. I didn’t think that on June 9, 2006 everything would be put to an end. I don’t think anyone could have seen it coming.

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 16:04:36 GMT

I began to watch him at work more than ever. And I stayed quiet. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him. I was too shy and that was okay for me.

I didn’t think that about six months later I would begin to get involved with him. He told me about his break-up with his girlfriend. And one nite he asked me to hang out. He came back to my house and before he left he kissed me on the top of my head. I was something so stupid, but I felt like I was on top of the world.

He left for a week after, but stayed in contact through instant messages and text messages. When he came back that Sunday he came into the store to visit me, my heart sank. It was nice knowing that he had actually come in like he had said he would.

I hung out with him that nite. We gave each other looks all nite and flirted. At the time it felt right. It felt like it was going to be okay. I thought about kissing him all nite, how if I did, it would be okay. I invited him back to my house that nite, and he came. We sat at my table eating animal crackers. He made a heart and found a way to make the animals spell out my name. I thought it was adorable. He eventually had to leave and I walked him to that car. And in that moment, everything was perfect. And we kissed.

It was something so tiny that put me on top of the world. Made me think that things wouldn’t just be temporary. We worked together the next day. I see every moment of these days playing out in my head. I stood behind that register staring. As he left that afternoon he hugged me and told me he’d call me. I watched that clock, waiting for four. The hour hand moved so slowly, almost as it if knew I was waiting for something.
***

I see myself running out those automatic doors, cell phone in hand as if it were going to ring that moment. My best friend ended up coming over to my house, we talked and talked. All of a sudden there was just so much to say. And she just listened as I spoke. We waited for that phone to ring, when it finally did, she watched as a smile crept across my face.

I went with him to a party that nite. I stuck close to him in that new environment. In the way he acted, it felt like we were dating. The hand holding, the way he kept his arm around my waist as I sat on his lap, and the quick kisses we stole.

I had fallen. Any girl in my position would have. I was finally getting what I wanted. I for once was really happy. Things looked like they were finally turning around, and I was willing to go with it. I wanted this, I just couldn’t have seen it turning out this way.

When he drove me home we made small talk. He asked me about what I wanted to do in college. Circa Survive was playing lightly in the background as we crept closer toward my house. We pulled into my driveway and he parked the car. We sat there just talking and he eventually leaned over and kissed me. It was just one of those quick kisses on the lips, similar to all the ones that had lead up to that moment. I in someway shed who I used to be, and gained a sense of love and in that I began to feel that maybe things would progress to something more.

We sat in my driveway kissing and talking for fifteen minutes before I told him that I should probably go. He asked for one more kiss and he got it. I went in that house feeling infinite, crawling up those stairs with a smile on. I slept well that nite. This was right, it had to be. I’ve always gone with what felt right.

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 13:08:48 GMT

I never thought that I would have the chance at actually having anything happen between him and I. Out of respect for him, I won’t use his name. He was the first boy to tell me that I am beautiful, to my face, and mean it. I guess I felt like that meant more than it actually did.

Through text messages and instant messages we began to communicate. We both claimed that we didn’t want a relationship. I lied. I did want a relationship. I do want a relationship. Not with him necessarily. But knowing that I could have something constant in my life, that just made me feel a tiny bit better.

I knew he didn’t want a relationship, but the way things started to go, I began to wonder. Was he lying too? After all, it is a possibility. We got into this knowing that it would never progress to anything serious. Maybe we were both wrong.

We began to hang out on Fridays and Saturdays, late at nite kissing. It felt right. I didn’t feel like I was just doing it to be able to say that I had done it. I’d see him at work, feeling my heart sink into my stomach. I was falling. It was an emotional battle for me. I was happy, but I was freaking out all at once. It wasn’t going to be good.

I had pushed all thoughts of me leaving aside, choosing to live for the moment. I didn’t want to lose it so soon. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder, it is worth it? I got caught up in everything that was happening and didn’t take into account how my life was drastically changing.

***

I took that job as a cashier in September of 2005. I gave up everything I loved to make money and work for the man. I gave up cross country for this job. Throughout high school, all I had done was cross country. Choosing not to do it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I had to do it though. I needed to support my painting somehow.

I was actually excited to start working. As I started I felt good knowing that I was paying for my own things with money I didn’t earn working for my father. It was like I had grown up right then and there. Despite my feeling that I had grown up, I was still a girl with a silly crush.

I was attracted to him. And I can remember just watching him throughout my shift. Thinking if only I knew him. If only I stood a chance with him. Little did I know, but I did stand a chance with him. I wanted to take a chance. And at a later point I would take it.

***

There was a point where I began to change. I think everyone that I hang out with understood that without Jimmy I was lost. I didn’t know how to be alone. I didn’t know who I was. I started to change. It had to have been because I was alone, free to explore myself. I remember throwing myself into my new production company. Throwing myself into working. I did whatever I could to keep from thinking about Jimmy.

The last time I heard his voice was on my birthday. The morning after my show. I can remember thinking that he was going to ask me back out. It never happened. I wasn’t ready to be alone. I still felt that I needed that relationship. And I was wrong. As I began to move on, I began to hate myself. I hated the way I looked. It was like it was a constant reminder of Jimmy--and I didn’t need it. By the time November rolled around, I had taken up dying my hair. The biggest change came when I cut my hair. I would have week long stints of veganism, learning that I just couldn’t part with cheese.

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 05:35:41 GMT

Whether he knows it or not, this is going to be about him. About how the past few days have been a terrible mess for me.

When it comes down to it, I never think that I actually stand a chance with the boy in question. No matter how many time someone tells me otherwise, I just don’t see it.

When things began to happen with him, I was in some sense ecstatic. I never took into account that I would be gone in August or the age difference. Age never mattered to me, and even through this, it still didn’t matter. It was the fact that I would be leaving that meant all the difference. I set myself up to be ready to get hurt. I was still caught off guard. I’ll never know if what he said to me was the truth. I would like to know, but it’s not like it makes any difference.

With the break-up with Jimmy came a new me. I changed, not just mentally, but physically. I cut my hair. I dyed it insane colors. And I was losing weight that I didn’t need to lose. I was scaring myself, I was constantly tired. But I carried on. I changed the way I looked, I was growing up. I didn’t have to impress him or anyone else, so I didn’t try to.
***

Looking back on these past few weeks I acted incredibly stupid. I let my emotions take control over my life. I wanted them to. I think I just wanted to know that someone looked at me differently. That I meant something to someone. In the long run, I was wrong. Maybe I am just not supposed to do this. And I am willing to wait. It’s just that now I don’t know how to feel. I’m not sure if this experience was supposed to make me cry, or if it was supposed to make me see that not everything good can stay.

I guess I inadvertently owe him a thank you. Thank you for showing me that I shouldn’t jump the gun. That not everything is going to happen the way I see it in my head. Maybe one day, but not today. Thank you for making me feel in someway loved and accepted. Thank you for in a way leading me on. Without you I wouldn’t have a story to start this all with.

This is for you…

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 01:09:02 GMT

There was something inexpressively broken in my heart-Jack Kerouac

By the time your high school graduation comes around, you’ll be expected to know how you want to spend the rest of your life. Now, about a week and a half short of my graduation, I still do not know where my life is headed. In August, I will leave headed for Vermont, with the intentions to attend Green Mountain College. I am constantly faced with the underlying fear of what is to come.

I’m paranoid. I should be after all of this. And all I can find to do is hack away at my emotions on the cold hardwood floor in my bedroom. I’m learning that things can end just as quickly as they begin. And that had I known that earlier, before I set myself up to get hurt. I’m alive and that’s all that matters.

This is only the beginning, and I’m sure things can’t get any worse. I’ll overcome my fear, but until then, I have only myself and this typewriter.

***

I applied to that school feeling that I had no chance at getting in. I did it to spite an ex-boyfriend, what a reason. When I did get in, it was a mess of emotion. I’m always numb.

I never know if I should cry.

I never know if I should smile.

I am just numb, letting it all hit me right in the face.

When I found out I had gotten in, it felt like I was going home. I still remember stepping out of that car and into the cold Vermont air. I was home, and for some reason, Connecticut was already a distant memory. I never belonged here. There is nothing left for me here. There wasn’t after things ended between Jimmy and I on September 15, 2005. We were done and I was broken. If I didn’t have him then I had nothing here worth living for.

Without that relationship, I slowly began to fall apart. I threw myself into my painting, into music. I was determined to make things work for me.

Along with being alone, I became the girl I was before Jimmy had come along the second time.

‘We accept the love we think we deserve’

I took what I could get when I could get it. I was sure that it made no difference to anyone else. I found “love” in the form of hooking-up and kissing boys whose name I would never learn. I accepted that I probably wasn’t good enough for a real relationship, although that is what I am constantly reaching for.

I had the normal part-time job like the majority of high school students. It was there that I met a boy that caught my eye. I stood for those 4-5 hour shifts behind that register just looking at him. I had a crush. I felt like a little kid again. I watched him move through that store, listened to him laugh and fell for him without ever actually talking to him. And by the time I did actually begin to talk to him, I didn’t feel the same way.

***

Whether he knows it or not, this is going to be about him. About how the past few days have been a terrible mess for me.

When it comes down to it, I never think that I actually stand a chance with the boy in question. No matter how many time someone tells me otherwise, I just don’t see it.

When things began to happen with him, I was in some sense ecstatic. I never took into account that I would be gone in August or the age difference. Age never mattered to me, and even through this, it still didn’t matter. It was the fact that I would be leaving that meant all the difference. I set myself up to be ready to get hurt. I was still caught off guard. I’ll never know if what he said to me was the truth. I would like to know, but it’s not like it makes any difference.

With the break-up with Jimmy came a new me. I changed, not just mentally, but physically. I cut my hair. I dyed it insane colors. And I was losing weight that I didn’t need to lose. I was scaring myself, I was constantly tired. But I carried on. I changed the way I looked, I was growing up. I didn’t have to impress him or anyone else, so I didn’t try to.

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 03:47:05 GMT

I'm a mess. A beautiful mess. Through all that has happened these past weeks, days, and months, I have been able to get by. Things are hitting the bottom, but maybe it needed to.
This is all I've got left. Leaving doesn't look too good right now, but I'm sure it's what I'm supposed to do.

Friends Only, Comment To Be Added.

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 04:25:46 GMT

This is going to be a bit jumbled for a little bit, I'm working on a layout, and then I'll be putting my zine online. This will be friends only, so you'll have to comment to be added, but give it time darlings.